Walling it Up

On Monday I will have mailed the check for my last graduate school application. I'm keeping Queens on standby because it's not an MSW program. In a way it'll keep with my coincidental "tradition" of applying to things in threes, haha (Molloy, Cathedral, and Holy Cross for high school; Marist, Siena, And Wells for college; and now NYU, Fordham, and Hunter for graduate school).

I have been incredibly depressed lately. Not having a full time job and having to deal with parents who reject you for being gay is tough, in addition to my inability to get over a romantic rejection (even though it's been four years, J's intermittent presence in my life kept the false hope alive). It's a cruel irony that friends never seem to be around when you have problems.

I don't feel like even going to Church tomorrow. I pray to God to slowly give me an open and compassionate heart for the kind of field I want to enter in a few years, but as far as love of my parents and romantic love goes, I feel my heart slowly closing. I know that sounds a little over the top, but the only way of stopping myself from having a total breakdown is by closing myself off to people who've hurt me so badly.

Hobo Shack

There was this shed on the north end of my college that my old roommate and I called the hobo shack. My other friend seemed to get offended and I understood why.

I'm not someone who's overly PC so I can see both sides, but it also got me to thinking about one of the "good guilts" my Catholic upbringing gave me: social guilt. I can't walk by a homeless person without feeling an intense sense of guilt I didn't do anything for them.

Sure, I always try to spare change when I have some, but I don't think that's enough. I feel like I should be finding them a place to stay or make sure they're sleeping with clean blankets or at the very least get them a coffee or bagel instead of dropping change in their hand and walking quickly so I don't catch any sick-making smell or have to feel uncomfortable if they seem severely mentally disoriented.

But I don't. Instead I daydream about the day I'm finally working and making money and how then I'll go out and help them.

I was thinking that maybe the lesson in this for me (my uneasiness) is that it's easy for a millionaire to give to charity as it is for a happy person to do good unto others, the challenge is being in darkness (material/economic or emotional) and still being able to do good despite it. That's my challenge right now: to do good despite my own obstacles.

Masks and Mentors

Halloween was fun. I had a little too much alcohol and half of me felt like I had missed out on most of my college experience because I barely ever went out and the other half felt great that I've always been a guy with my head on straight when it comes to being responsible and not doing stupid things even when I'm in that state. Be silly and loud maybe, but nothing stupid or illegal. I did enjoy the buzz, but I was frantically freaking out and worrying about everyone else being ok.

I ended up losing my costume mask (I was the Phantom of the Opera). Preferably, I'd like to think of it as a metaphor of me eventually losing my metaphorical mask to the people I still wear masks around, though I really lost the mask because I was just too...well yeah.

I went to the glbt church group again yesterday and one of the older men who I became friends with gave me this philosophical sci-fi book he wants me to read. I feel like he's kind of taking me under his wing since I'm still uncomfortable with the religion versus sexuality thing sometimes, so it's nice to have someone I can be able to talk to and kind of guide me. On the other hand, I'm very guarded because you never know what people's intentions are.

I feel very "green" among the people there because I'm one of the youngest members and am so inexperienced with life in general. Also, like I said in another post, I'm not generally that comfortable in settings that are exclusively glbt (the cliqueyness, the campiness, etc.).

The most important thing to me right now is getting my degree and being able to work in the career I've always wanted to be in. Everything else can fall into place on its own...