Why Do You Not Love Me?

Not to state the obvious, but no one likes to be rejected. I think I can say that I have fallen in love [probably] twice in my life. Though neither love was consummated in the form of a relationship, I'm grateful for having fallen in love because it's such a great feeling everyone should feel at least once. I have to be honest in saying it's not easy getting over someone who rejected you and at times the question of even being loveable has crossed my mind (I'm loveable by my family, yes, lovable by my friends yes...but loveable?).

If sexuality is an energy that cannot be humanly created or destroyed, then even celibates (actually all people) have to find a healthy way to live it and express it. I once read in an online forum excerpts (thanks to the kind person for uploading them) from Ronald Rohlheiser's book, The Holy Longing, where he explains that sexuality is different from genitality (physical sex) and that the Latin root for sex is secare, which means to "be cut off". Basically he says that at birth we are cut off, like a branch cut off from a tree that gives it life from the roots; and during our lives we live with a longing to become whole again. In its maturity, he then says, sexuality is then about true intimacy, relationship and self-giving, not just about romanticism and genitality (though genitality is certainly part of this wider spectrum). I have to read the book because I can't explain it as well as he did just from those portions.

What's my point? Basically, that love is awesome. But love (in the traditional ways we think of love), while a legitimate longing, is sometimes confused (especially when it takes the form of overly active searching) with another unfulfilled longing (naturally you can't eat cake to quench your thirst!). I'm not saying that may be the truth for your situation or for both of mine (I'm not sure what 'other longing' I might have been trying to replace), but it's something that we seem to do often even in other areas of life.

I don't hear voices or anything, but I tonight I wonder if Jesus asks Himself why I don't love Him the amount (of course not the specific way) I love the one who rejected me. I don't say this to guilt trip anyone who has been rejected because only God most intimately knows your story, but if God is said to be more loving than the most loving person you know, than how much more tender (and I don't mean this in a creepy date God way) and accepting must God's love be? He's with me through this rejection and even though I haven't totally reached the place where I can answer His question, I'm ok and accepted where I am for now.

I just received an e-mail I had been waiting for over a week, so I have to go.