Famous and Toxic

"I have never wished for human glory, contempt it was that had attraction for my heart; but having recognized that this again was too glorious for me, I ardently desire to be forgotten."- Saint Thérèse of Lisieux

Like many people, I've daydreamed about being famous, but only as a side effect of doing something awesome, not for its own sake.

My freshman year of college I charged up my iPod (back when I still had one--it was one of those metalically colored minis, remember those?) and headed out to take a walk. This girl I knew then asked me if I pictured I was in a movie while listening to music. Finally, I thought I was the only crazy one who pictured myself within some tacky melodramatic and/or action packed movie scenes while listening to music! I don't remember my answer to her but it had the resemblance of yes.

The daydreams can be about me starring in an action packed supernatural TV series, where I call upon saints and use sacramentals and crosses to battle off demons and zombies in hand to hand combat. Alternatively, they'll go to the realm of over the top movie scenes where I'm in anearly fatal car accident and my true love bursts in a declaration of love unto which all the important "characters" in my life (including the nurses) surround us in a circle, moved by the beautiful scene (cue The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony). And don't even get me started with the several recreations of my high school and college graduations where I pop out of the platform and rock out.

However, daydreams are daydreams and when I actually write them down like I did now, I laugh at the ridiculousness and outlandishness of such purple prose as my French teacher calls it. We should all think a little outlandishly from time to time. Suspending disbelief sometimes helps us see belief more clearly after all.

Anyway, here's the reason that compelled me to write today. I have this friend who similarly has crazy daydreams about starring in his own TV series. Except his series is based on his real life. He says he plans to write a pilot for HBO and later on write a memoir by the time he finishes his Phd. (he's actually working on a Phd.) or turns 30 because he wants to be famous as an actor, writer, and artist.

First of all, I have a problem with wanting to be famous for the sake of being famous (when I told him he should pick a focus instead of wanting to do writing painting and acting all at once, he smugly tells me that's the way he is, a multi-project man).

Secondly, I'm it made me mad he called me "toxic" person for "not believing in him". If he has a dream he wants to follow he knows I'll support him, but writing a pilot for HBO (which he probably won't get around to writing) is probably a little far fetched. Is it wrong I'm trying to be the realistic person here? If all his other friends are all on board then great for him, but if he wanted uncritical insincere praises then he picked the wrong friend. I'm not mean or nasty or anything like that, but I don't want to be fake either.

In the spirit charity, I will say we never know what God has in store for us. No one ever got "big" by "settling" for whatever life brought them, right? I can give him the benefit of the doubt using that line of thinking.

I would probably hate really being famous (*blatantly lies*) because I feel having every facet of my life scrutinized and under a microscope (right down to whether my socks matched my sneakers--well they kinda did today Lol) and because it would be a hotbed of neurosis waiting to happen. Also, how many people would really get to know the real you? How many of those people won't sell the real you to a publication?

Still, I think wanting to be love and admired (or at least acknowledged) by others is a natural desire many of us have and even if we never make it "big". There might be hope in Saint Augustine's consolation that God loves us each as if we were the only ones in front of His eyes, making each individual, by design, pretty much a big deal. *awkward pause*

P.S. Is that Lil Romeo on Cribs? Rofl....he can barely fit in the car seat.