Enneagram Four

Your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

Haha, I got the same result when Brother John had us take this in high school!

Overheard in My Neighborhood

"What am I going to tell my mom about it?!"
"Nothing, just hide it."
-Around 82nd street

"Daddy is that a man?!"
-Random drag queen with clown rainbow hair and dress walks out of restaurant singing something about a man

"Well yeah I called him but his wife answered so I hung up."
-Woman on the phone on my way to pizzeria

Aftermath

In the last entry (and at least one or two others) I talked about the idea of discernment; a process which a Jesuit/Ignatian spirituality explains as trying to find how God is present or speaking within any situation (usually but not always a situation that involves a decision). Since we can't literally hear God speak (well some people can but I think that's another topic entirely lol), we notice his presence by detecting, sensing, and feeling the movements within us and how a situation/decision makes us feel.

In a lay or everyday vocabulary we may call that intuition. The idea of applying to one college (because of an "x" factor we can't explain yet attracts us) even though we can make a list about the advantages of choice b is an example of this. It doesn't mean our decisions should be irrational and only emotion based, but discernment calls us to notice these attractions and "x factors" we can't quite put a finger on because it may be God.

In my case, I was questioning why God brought someone from my past back into my life. Actually I wouldn't say God brought the person back, but rather allowed me to bump into the ultimate emotional reminder: the person themself.

On the one hand I deserved it (becareful what you wish for...I wanted to see this person "at least one more time"), on the other hand I think I may be finding some messages here in this reminder that may be from God.

First, it was a totally unexpected encounter. I was going out to the movies with my cousin, and bam there they are. This may be God reminding me that love comes unexpectedly, not so much in the form of this particular person, but someone else.

Second, God may be calling me to focus on the people who love me instead of trying to measure up to the ones that don't. It is a reminder that healthy love happens when two people WANT to be with each other, not when one or both parties feels they HAVE TO be with each other.

It would seem like a cruel way to remind me, so I would probably better venture into saying not that God "created" the encounter, but that He allowed it in order to grant me my wish, regardless of how painful it would be and how He personally might have tried to dissuade me from wishing this (but valued my free will). Even then, He would comfort me in my pain and still help me try to get over this as He has so many times before.

It may be just crazy talk here, but I finally may be starting to listen.

Saltwater

A quote from a friend:

"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, or the sea." -Isak Dinesen

Fantastic Reality

Living in reality seems like such a contradictory thing to say for a religious person, mainly because much of our lives as spiritual people revolves not always on what is front of us, but on what is hoped for or and believed on faith.

However without living in reality we become trapped in the alternative: fantasy. By fantasy I don't mean religion or whatever you have faith for without certainty, but taking what's in front of us and changing it. For example, making oneself famous, good looking, talented, and even changing other people can become a world where we end up trapped.

There's nothing bad about fun daydreaming and I would say there's even merit in thinking about the way we would like things to be because they reveal our desires and give us the drive to pursue them. Listening to music alone makes it inevitable for our minds to travel to all these fantastic places and make it all the more enjoyable, so it's not necessary to go get psychoanalysed just because one likes daydreaming a lot!

However, when one constantly live in fantasy in a way that seems taking over the rest of our lives, one has to ask oneself whether there is a form of escape involved in this and what exactly is the object or situation of escape?

I hate how trite and dramatic this may sound, but if I had to look at the causes behind my retreat into fantasy, I would have to say the object of escape is love. I've had the "damn itch" through high school and college but never met anyone.

While most people my age have been through many relationships (and the learning that comes with them), and many cousins slightly older than me (mid 20s) have even started settling down, I'm terrified of all the "lost time" I would have to make up for and would rather be by myself than have to make up for the lost time or just settle for someone I cared about but wasn't really in love with.

The vocation issue complicates the matter because it comes and goes too rapidly for me to get a hold on it and examine it.

There is a Jesuit/Ignatian concept of discernment that calls us to stop all "the noise" and sit still so that we can (in an intuitive way) try to "sense" how God is moving or "speaking" within given situations in our lives. As much as I have tried recently, it has been hard to reach that stillness and I find myself very much lost as to what direction (direction that goes beyond career/educational goals) to take in my life. For example, how is God speaking to me in a situation where something or someone from the past shows up again in my life?

Right now I'll try to focus on doing what has been long overdue: finding a spiritual director to help me sort the fantasy from the dreams to the desire to the reality of where God is working in my life.

Apartment Search, The II

We're —we being my father and I— hoping to move out this house by August; he says the house is already sold, but I'm not sure what exactly he means because of the ambiguous way he says it and the fact that most of the tenants are still here (so maybe that hope to move out is more of a have to move out).

There was a studio I wanted to get (with the intention of eventually paying my parents back for it) but my mom doesn't think it's a good idea since if I ever wanted to move in to a place with better privacy (i.e. have a bedroom and separated kitchen) it would be hard to get rid of the studio.

It's not helping that New York City isn't exactly known for low rent, but I really rather find a place in Queens than in any other borough: Manhattan is too expensive, Staten Island too far, Brooklyn too dangerous, and the Bronx is too far and too dangerous (no offense auntie rofl). Actually, to be fair, that's not entirely accurate but it goes without saying that it's hard to find an affordable place in a decent location. I'm hoping I can get full time hours with what sounds like a very much free lancey job I got at the tutoring company.

More importantly, I want to be able to go back to school as soon as next Spring but no later than next Fall and try to figure out the differences between the intricacies of the programs I'm interested in (MSW/LCSW, LMHC, and MSEd.) so that I get into the right field with the better amount of flexibility (as I see myself working in either a school or a private mental health practice).

I better get moving because time is running out.

Hidden Face

"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, or his ear too dull to hear, but your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that He will not hear." - Isaiah 59:1-2

One of my favorite saints, Thérèse of Lisieux, had a devotion to the Holy Face. In fact, she took the religious name Soeur Thérèse de l'enfant-Jésus de la sainte-face (Sister Thérèse of the child Jesus [and] the Holy Face) to honor both her devotion to the child-like Jesus as well as His Holy Face on the cross.

To us it may seem like overly superfluous or dramatic piety because we're so far apart from the religious environment of 19th Century France (and in her particular case, within one of the more austere orders of the Church), but I'm more overcome by curiosity as to why she would choose a devotion to Jesus' face.

If it were possible to look upon Jesus' face, I feel I couldn't be capable of doing so any more than I would be able to look in the face of a friend I have lied to or stolen from. It's almost easier to want to be obscured by the fog than gaze upon the face (even if the face is warm and welcoming to all, which despite occasional difficulty or doubt I believe it is), mainly because of the tendency to feel so bad and embarrassed and even wonder if you're a hopeless case.

This isn't meant as a guilt trip to anyone else, but it makes me understand the often criticized teaching of purgatory. Maybe purgatory isn't so much about proving God you're worthy of crossing over into heaven, but more so proving it to yourself. It would be hard to receive a gift you think you didn't deserve (no matter how great the gift), so even if God were dragging you into heaven, the shame would be too great to enter (there's a saying that we send ourselves to hell, not God). It is much more different when we're more disposed to receive the gift, when through suffering (most unfortunate but also most necessary for the eventual good end as Julian of Norwich might say) our heart has been melted into compassion and perspective and thus better able to receive love.

Then the fear of trying to reach out to God isn't because God is unwilling to help, but mainly because we're unwilling to believe we're worthy of help and let our face be further obscured from God. I'm not sure if I agree with the Isaiah passage about God not being able to hear because of sin (it sounds like the passage is warning the Israelites to be good or the cell phone signal to God will be cut!), but I do believe that because of sin (or just simple spiritual laziness) we hide ourselves from God and it seems like He becomes harder to find (as if He weren't elusive enough!).

Like a bright summer's day, one feels naked opening the curtain of great bright light shining on you (sometimes even want to curl back under the covers [by the way, random fact: I still sleep with blankets even in the summer]), but once you get yourself outside you wish the day never ends.

Hidden Face (Source)

Nun Surveillance

The Vatican has taken this year to conduct an Apostolic Visitation of Women's Religious Communities. One part of the visitation will visit sisters in active communities (i.e. sisters in non-cloistered communities), and another investigation aims to investigate the LCWR, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious. On the one hand, I can see the benefit in this because it might help the sisters' orders find ways to better attract young women to religious life in the face of such low numbers, and/or re-consider what their mission means according to each order's founder/foundress and charism (charism is usually translated to mean the spirit or nature of the type of work an order does and their spirituality).

On the other hand some people feel the Vatican is using it as a way to gauge which orders/communities are being disobedient to the way they represent the teachings of the Church and/or whether these teachings are emphasized enough or just presented vaguely (some examples often cited are the issues of homosexuality and women's ordination). This view arises from the notion that apostolic visitations aren't just routine "check ups", but visits done under special circumstances (such as the recent one conducted at seminaries in the wake of the abuse crisis).

The New York Times recently had an article on this issue and NPR's "On Point" show invites several people with different viewpoints to discuss it. Among them are Laura Goodstein (national religion correspondent for the New York Times), Sister Sandra Schneider (professor at Berkley and member of the IHM sisters), Sister Mary Traupman (practicing attorney and member of the Sisters of Divine Providence), and Mother Mary Quentin Sheridan (Superior General the Religious Sisters of Mercy).

Listen to the show

(Thanks to America for the link. Another note: One of the Sisters interviewed above, Sister Sandra, belongs to the community A Nun's Life blogger Sister Julie belongs to, where she has some coverage of her own.)

The Changing Face of Nunhood: After the Second Vatican Council, religious orders and congregations (including those of women religious) were asked to reflect on preserving the mission of their founders and foundresses while connecting with the modern world. For many sisters, this took the form of modifying the habit or getting rid of it altogether to better be able to work among those they minister and modifying the concept of living in community. At the same time, the dwindling numbers of women religious (as well as priests and men religious such as brothers) has many asking a lot of the questions met at Vatican II concerning the Church's connection to its own truth and to the world outside, and how older traditions and new understandings have value in helping to strengthen this connection.

Photo Credit: Benprks via Flickr

Beach

Yesterday I went to the beach with my uncle, his wife, two cousins, and one cousin's boyfriend. It was a great time except I probably should have worn more sunscreen because I feel like a fried lobster...lmao. Wait, can you fry lobster?

This particular beach reminded me of the horrible time one cousin almost drowned when he was 9 (I must have been 7 or 8). He didn't cry when he was rescued, but had a break down as soon as he turned on the faucet in the shower back home. It's incredible how so many things that happen to us don't "hit" us until much later.

It also reminded me of the funnier time my aunt lost her sunglasses and frantically ran around searching for them. This aunt moved away to the Dominican Republic but she likes coming to the states to visit a lot.

With good sunscreen, the beach is nice for naps and a book (I was reading Jesuit Father Jim Martin's funny and down to earth honest My Life with the Saints). It felt very nice to lie down for a while (nice toasty UV rays on my back <3...lmao).

Two FMLs of the day:

"I don't feel bad being shirtless now since Ray is much fatter than me." - Said by my cousin's boyfriend

"Ray I'm going to call up religious orders and tell them to avoid you since you skip Mass for the beach." - Dad

Happy 4th of July!

Just quietly, I hope everyone had a happy and safe fourth of July (I went bowling). For all my talk of having Dominican parents and Spanish ancestry and cultural heritage (see last post), I mustn't forget that whenever I pass international customs the only country where I'm recognized as a full citizen (and share the rights and responsibilities thereof) is this one!

Image Source: 13 Colonies Webquest

Hispanic vs. Latino: Spain Conqueror or Spain Mother?

"In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue..."

The debate between the use of the terms Hispanic vs. Latino has always interested me. Is Hispanic really a race or just a term to describe a complex culture and people? If so, which people does this term include? Are Haiti and Brazil Latin or Hispanic despite being, respectively, former French and Portuguese (rather than Spanish) possessions? Can Spain be considered Hispanic?

Etymogically, the term Hispanic comes from the name of the Roman Empire's province of Hispania which included the areas roughly around modern Portugal and Spain (called the "Iberian Peninsula"). The term Latino comes from the fact that the countries in what's considered modern Latin America were colonized by people of strongly Latin-derived languages such as French, Portuguese and Spanish.

Personally, I prefer the term Hispanic for myself since I feel (that for me) it encompasses the entire Spanish speaking world and culture (our foods, language, and Roman Catholicism) better than the term Latino (which may include the former French and Portuguese possessions in Latin America which I feel less related to —or maybe I should say less exposed to— culturally). I know I have ancestors from Spain on my dad's side and one from France on my mom's side, but I still feel much more strongly identified with the Hispanophone counterpart because of my parents' country and my growing up in Hispanophone communities.

However, with this comes the biggie issue. Some Spaniards take offense to being grouped under the term Hispanic. Part of this can be perceived as racial, since South Americans (and people from other Spanish speaking countries) who move to Spain rather than the United States to work (after all, they figure it might be easier to fit in because the same language and religion are shared) are sometimes discriminated and called derogative terms like "Sudaca" or "Indio", especially if they are of more visibly aboriginal descent such as in the case of a number of Ecuadorians. Likewise, a number of Latin Americans don't like Spaniards because despite inheriting the Castilian language and a great part of its culture, they're seen as the conquerors and the "other".

The Spanish sentiment of comes from the fact that many if not most Hispanics aren't of purely Spanish descent (most of us are mixed, though sadly even in Latin American countries this prejudice between "indios", "negros", and "blancos" still exists), and the Latin American sentiment comes from the fact that the Spanish colonizers and peninsulares weren't exactly Mother Teresa coming on a mission for solidarity. Depending on what country we're from, we're usually a mix of the original aboriginal inhabitants of the land, Spanish (and other European) settlers, and the enslaved Africans brought in to replace the dying aboriginals. It depends on the country of course. Mexicans tend to be mixed Amerindian and Spanish ancestry while Dominicans may have different degrees of Taino, Spanish, and African roots (though I'm not sure to what degree of Taino since they were so quickly wiped out by European diseases and labor).

I don't know. It's fun to learn about your roots, ancestry, and culture; but it becomes useless and way out of hand when we become overly political and racial. For example, some people in Latin America like to emphasize their Spanish roots and ignore their other ones (there was an article about a possible example of this being the notion that nearly all Dominican women straighten their hair) and the Spaniards themselves emphasize their Germanic roots as part of Western Europe. It's like everyone has to find an outer point of validation.

Still, just as I may joyfully listen to Spaniard artists like Amistades Peligrosas and Vainica Doble, and Spaniards may joyfully listen to Colombians like Juanes and Shakira (maybe back when she had meaningful things to say, not during her Hips Don't Lie days, sorry I love her but it's true LOL), Dominican singer Juan Luis Guerra, the Mexican band Maná, (and why not even the Argentinian punk group Dos Minutos) and relate, I hope the entire Spanish speaking world can likewise be united under our beautiful Castilian language and heritage rather than divided by false concepts of purity and superiority. Technically, I don't know if I should even be proud of that because if any one of us go far back enough, most of us in the world global mutts with a bit of everything (African, Amerindian, European, Meditarranenan), but at the very least I hope there is greater unity among a community (from Mexican novelas to Dominican bachata to Spanish paellas), no, a family, which I greatly love:


Photo Sources
Spain/Latin America: Spanish4Students.com
Hispanophone Flags: Languageadventureprograms.com

The Snipped Flower

"You Can't Take It With You When You Die!"

That was one of my mother's old sayings and probably a tongue in cheek description of what I felt was a separate post, but really a continuation of the unrequited love post.

I think sometimes we plant seeds of love and hope they grow and bloom. This is a more "structured" way of seeking: joining clubs, going to parties, or having an online dating profile. For someone who isn't looking for romantic love this can take the form of planting spiritual seeds of love in want of a deeper relationship with God (slowly seeking through disciplined prayer and genuinely meant good works).

Other times, love comes unexpectedly, akin to stumbling upon a beautiful flower in a field (much like religious experiences can also come suddenly and without prior intellectual or disciplinary preparation).

In the first case, we must be prepared to accept the possibility our garden may not grow and bloom, because our lives can be as uncontrollable and unpredictable as nature.

In the latter case, perhaps the more intoxicating form of love, we can be tempted to snip a flower off its bush and have it for ourselves, only to realize its fragrance and beauty can only last so long before the poor flower wilts.

We can then only be appreciative and thankful for the flower no matter how much we want to take it with us. The flower doesn't belong to us but the flower is with us and we are with it and when we appreciate that perhaps we might walk back home and finally, in the back of the little garden, find a little sprout in the dirt.

Photo Credit: Mr. Mac 2009, on Flickr.