Walling it Up

On Monday I will have mailed the check for my last graduate school application. I'm keeping Queens on standby because it's not an MSW program. In a way it'll keep with my coincidental "tradition" of applying to things in threes, haha (Molloy, Cathedral, and Holy Cross for high school; Marist, Siena, And Wells for college; and now NYU, Fordham, and Hunter for graduate school).

I have been incredibly depressed lately. Not having a full time job and having to deal with parents who reject you for being gay is tough, in addition to my inability to get over a romantic rejection (even though it's been four years, J's intermittent presence in my life kept the false hope alive). It's a cruel irony that friends never seem to be around when you have problems.

I don't feel like even going to Church tomorrow. I pray to God to slowly give me an open and compassionate heart for the kind of field I want to enter in a few years, but as far as love of my parents and romantic love goes, I feel my heart slowly closing. I know that sounds a little over the top, but the only way of stopping myself from having a total breakdown is by closing myself off to people who've hurt me so badly.

Hobo Shack

There was this shed on the north end of my college that my old roommate and I called the hobo shack. My other friend seemed to get offended and I understood why.

I'm not someone who's overly PC so I can see both sides, but it also got me to thinking about one of the "good guilts" my Catholic upbringing gave me: social guilt. I can't walk by a homeless person without feeling an intense sense of guilt I didn't do anything for them.

Sure, I always try to spare change when I have some, but I don't think that's enough. I feel like I should be finding them a place to stay or make sure they're sleeping with clean blankets or at the very least get them a coffee or bagel instead of dropping change in their hand and walking quickly so I don't catch any sick-making smell or have to feel uncomfortable if they seem severely mentally disoriented.

But I don't. Instead I daydream about the day I'm finally working and making money and how then I'll go out and help them.

I was thinking that maybe the lesson in this for me (my uneasiness) is that it's easy for a millionaire to give to charity as it is for a happy person to do good unto others, the challenge is being in darkness (material/economic or emotional) and still being able to do good despite it. That's my challenge right now: to do good despite my own obstacles.

Masks and Mentors

Halloween was fun. I had a little too much alcohol and half of me felt like I had missed out on most of my college experience because I barely ever went out and the other half felt great that I've always been a guy with my head on straight when it comes to being responsible and not doing stupid things even when I'm in that state. Be silly and loud maybe, but nothing stupid or illegal. I did enjoy the buzz, but I was frantically freaking out and worrying about everyone else being ok.

I ended up losing my costume mask (I was the Phantom of the Opera). Preferably, I'd like to think of it as a metaphor of me eventually losing my metaphorical mask to the people I still wear masks around, though I really lost the mask because I was just too...well yeah.

I went to the glbt church group again yesterday and one of the older men who I became friends with gave me this philosophical sci-fi book he wants me to read. I feel like he's kind of taking me under his wing since I'm still uncomfortable with the religion versus sexuality thing sometimes, so it's nice to have someone I can be able to talk to and kind of guide me. On the other hand, I'm very guarded because you never know what people's intentions are.

I feel very "green" among the people there because I'm one of the youngest members and am so inexperienced with life in general. Also, like I said in another post, I'm not generally that comfortable in settings that are exclusively glbt (the cliqueyness, the campiness, etc.).

The most important thing to me right now is getting my degree and being able to work in the career I've always wanted to be in. Everything else can fall into place on its own...

Frivolous Risks

Last night I went out to two bars (or a bar and a pub?) with my friend Michelle, her boyfriend Scott, and two other people from her college. I never really went out much during college, but was glad to find the lounge/bar environment is more my type of setting than a crazy club would be. I had fun and was happy to hear a lot of late 90s music (as if by telepathic request) played by the DJ/music dude. It's good to take a risk every once in a while and do something you wouldn't normally do.

Right now I'm talking to my brother in the Dominican Republic online. My parents want me to move back in with them because my job isn't going to make me enough money to both support me and pay any bills. It sounds terrible but I rather take on frivolous debt than go back to living with them and have to re-closet myself, more so in a country that isn't as accepting or understanding. I love my parents but I can't go back to being 16 and scared to death again.

They were against me moving away to college and I ended up going away anyway and having four of the best years I've ever had.

This motivates me even more.

How To Build A Spiderweb

I've been busily working on my graduate school applications and am glad to say I'm almost there. I'm trying to get them all done before Halloween so that I can forward the recommendation forms to my professors.

Right now I feel pretty heartbroken that my religious vocation to the brotherhood thing didn't work out. I'm also heartbroken in the "regular way" because in the middle of all that, I'm trying to get over a literal person I spent four years pining over. That naturally ended up sabotaging my religious discernment because there was no way I could begin any official application while still dealing with this.

On the other hand, while working on my graduate school applications I felt a deep sense of joy while writing my personal statement because if there's one thing I've been most sure of, it's that I've wanted to enter this profession (clinical social work, counseling) since at least 8th or 9th grade. I think it's truly a gift from God to be able to see so clearly what feel called to do with our life. I want to help kids in high school because most of my hardest (and by consequence, formative) years were there along with the beginning of college.

I was telling my friend that the hardest thing about graduating college is that when we live in such an insulated environment like a residential college, our support system is as sturdy as a spider in the middle of a spiderweb. We're so interconnected (or threaded...lol) to other people on so many different levels (I can think of my cafeteria ladies, professors, RAs, friends, and campus ministry people) that when we trip we just end up bouncing up because the web is so sturdy.

When we leave, we're no longer in the center of the spiderweb but either at the periphery (hanging by whatever few "threads" or connections are left to the people we knew) or completely fallen off from it.

I think that's the main thing I'm working on now. When I went to visit a brother friend of mine at my high school the other day he told me I needed to focus on rebuilding my social network. In other words, not to go out there looking for a relationship, but rather, go out there and look to be relational. As much as I would like things to fit my timetable (must meet career goal by 25, meet someone by 30, etc.) or make up for the lost time of high school and college, we can't make things fall into place on our own time.

Don't Fit In

I'm back from my discernment retreat (I was on a discernment retreat for men interested in priesthood and brotherhood this weekend).  It was mostly a good experience and I was grateful for the hospitality of the novices and the sense of fraternity among both the candidates (us) and the novices.  

I had kind of been avoiding meeting with the vocation director most of the weekend, but bumped into him (which I don't think was a coincidence since I had just come down from my room after a frustrating attempt to focus and pray, and just feeling deep desolation) and we had a talk.  We both decided it was best to not discern at this time.  I don't know if he was only putting my application on hold for now, but I think my intention by that point was to completely terminate it. 

Recently, I started going to this religious group for glbt Christians and while many of the people there are generally nice, I feel I don't fit in with gay people in general: the obsession with youth and beauty, people who were a little too upfront about their past sexual experiences, and the general campiness/flamboyance in public places was a little too much for me, more so in a religious setting where I was expecting less of it.

It's kind of a lonely place to be, because I feel I can't completely fit in within the Church nor within a gay environment.  

I don't have the energy to write more so I'll just leave it there.

Laughter Came From Every Brick

Today is the feast day of Teresa of Avila, Spanish mystic and Carmelite nun. This is a beautiful poem attributed to her, though when I double checked it appears to be a poem based on something she wrote since I can't find an original Spanish version (I'm going to look for it because if it's not hers it'd be a great disillusion!). Nonetheless, I love it:

Just these two words He spoke

changed my life,

"Enjoy Me."

What a burden I thought I was to carry -

a crucifix, as did He.

Love once said to me, "I know a song,

would you like to hear it?"

And laughter came from every brick in the street

and from every pore

in the sky.

After a night of prayer, He

changed my life when

He sang,

"Enjoy Me."

Ay Marinero! Some Songs about the Ocean.

I find it strange America celebrates Columbus Day but the Dominican Republic doesn't seem to observe it as much (though Santo Domingo, the capital and being cool enough to be the oldest surviving city of the New World, does have a park dedicated to him). I was talking to my mother about this and the obvious reasons were that Columbus and the Spaniards weren't exactly Mother Teresa and the missionaries of charity (oh wait I used this comparison before). Yet still, despite the genocide of the aboriginal natives and horrible mistreatment of the enslaved Africans, there is a complicated love/hate relationship between the former Spanish colonies of the New World and the sometimes termed "mother country" remains, even if just because we're literally blood family (whether in recent or distant ancestry), speak Spanish, and are overwhelmingly Catholic.

Our African heritage is pretty strong, notably found in our music and dance (and sometimes in offshoots of syncretized religion). The aboriginal heritage (at least in my ignorance), to be honest, has a negligible presence other than some folklore and names of crops and places because of how early in the conquering period they were killed off (though there is debate about there being some part[s] of the country having significant traceable Taino ancestry).

With other parts of Latin America, it's more or less the opposite, i.e. there is more visible aboriginal ancestry than African. I read an article (it's in Spanish but you may get a rough translation if you plug it into Google translate) about Latin American countries and their pro/anti-Spain attitudes and it seemed parts of Central America and countries with more indigenous ancestry ranked as the least pro-"Españolistas" while countries like Colombia and the D.R. (with significant African ancestry mixed in) ranked as the most pro-"Españolistas", which may be due to the fact that the indigenous cultures that survived in other countries were able to maintain their pre-hispanic/pre-Columbian culture better.

Anyways, I could go on about the history of the European settlement of the New World and all the different mixing and warfare of cultures that came into contact but that is easily look-upable on Google (translation: I'm too lazy to construct a well formed and heavy source supported essay about the politics, social, and religious life of this time even though colonial Latin America is my second favorite historical topic).

Instead, I shall post some songs about the ocean because I like the metaphor of exploration, adventure, and going into the unknown (well not in Columbus' case since he wasn't first! but you know what I mean).

Escrito con Sal y Brea (Written with Salt and Tar)
Coloniales y Ultramarinos (Colonials and Mariners) (two songs in 1 video, by Vainica Doble)

La Ballena Azul (The Blue Whale) (also by Vainica Doble)

Enya - Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)

Dishwalla - Coral Sky

Liz Phair - Dead Shark (from her indie girlysound days)

Madonna - La Isla Bonita (I don't really listen to Madonna, but my friend Zach is obsessed so this is for you Zach lmao)

Third Eye Blind - Water Landing (can't upload the one I got off Amazon since I'll get sued!)

Modest Mouse - The Ocean Breathes Salty

Dc Talk - Dive

*Picture of Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria from http://www.bergoiata.org/.

All The Tress of the Field Will Clap Their Hands

<sup>Isaiah 55 10-13

10</sup> As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

¹² You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.

SOLD

Last Wednesday at 11 am my father closed the deal on the house. My father can finally have peace after months of worrying about selling the house in time before the bank took it due to our several unpaid months of mortgage--reason being the free rent we gave the tenants in hopes they would be able to financially afford to move out as quickly as possible).

My dad may be more or less rich right now, but I'm still poor--so don't plan to kidnap/torture me! Plus I doubt my dad would pay a ransom..rofl. The house did sell for a good price, but we lost at least half the money in what we owed the bank. He plans to use the money to retire in the DR with my family (already there) and open up a small dentist clinic where he can work part time to keep some of the cash flowing in.

As for myself, I have a job interview lined up on Tuesday for a substance abuse center in soho. I'm praying that I get it, though I still pray I can one day grow enough to become [in the Ignatian manner] "indifferent" and throw myself at whatever God's will is; regardless of its seeming favoribility or lack thereof.

I have to write a post on the dilemma of prayer (i.e. what's the point of praying as a way to ask for stuff if God already knows what we want and why are some things never going to be granted, like an amputee's leg) but right now I'm just filled with gratitude that prayer request I sent to St. Anthony's shrine worked.

October is one of my favorite months: many of my favorite saint feast days (Thérèse and Teresa especially), my little brother's birthday (which I've missed every year for the last 4 years :(), and the mystical atmosphere of fall to round it out.

Space and Stars

I'm gathering material/research for this post that's going to take a while to write (nothing big, just something I thought would be fun) so it may take a while to post again.

We finally moved out of my house of 9 years. It's incredible to think I spent all of my early adolescence to my early young adulthood there. I don't have time to start missing it because my main worry now is that the house buyer might back out from the deal, which might face us with not just losing the sale, but also losing the house since an empty house can't generate the [rent] income to pay mortgage.

Right now I've been reading through sections of Jesuit Br. Guy Consolmagno's Brother Astronomer:The Adventures of a Vatican Scientist. I like how he says that theology is in fact the first science and how it calls us to embrace the natural sciences (since through these natural sciences we come to know creation, and in turn, God), maintaining a balance that avoids the bad science of fundamentalist biblical literalism on one side (6,000 year old earth, etc.) and atheist scientific materialism on the other end.

I thought his tone toward atheists seemed a little smug/sure of himself though (I've been guilty of it myself before, but I understand them better now). I do believe Aquinas' proofs strongly prove or at least strongly support a first mover: if you stand in a circle of people and are told to tap the person next to you, but only if someone tapped you first--there'd have to be an initial "untapped tapper", in a notable example Fr. Jim Martin says a nun professor of his did in My Life with the Saints. However, how do we know this first mover and uncaused first cause is the Catholic "version" of God? The complexity of the universe gives credit to the mover being intelligent, but what about the mover being omni-benevolent and personally invested in (i.e. loving of?) each and every being and able to intervene in their life?

That's a lot to answer in one post, but all the talk of space and stars and hard situations here on earth can fill anyone with questions like that.

9-11

It's really rainy and windy outside, a blatant reminder of what happened 8 years ago while sitting in my Global History class during my second day of high school.

I'll keep it short because I don't want to write something insincere or awkwardly sentimental, but I thought I'd write a short blurb to say I remember and in honor of my cousin F.B...

Songs of the Summer Gone

It's incredible how different my music tastes have changed (and remained somewhat the same) through high school and college. In high school I was really into pop punk bands (Sum 41, Blink 182, Green Day and slightly more grungy Treble Charger) and a lot of mainstream alternative (Third Eye Blind for example), whereas in college I got into more toned down and easy listening "indie" stuff (whatever that means) like Sufjan Stevens and Liz Phair (during her pre-pop indie days). I don't listen to those genres exclusively (I have Eminem, Porcupine Tree, and even a Backstreet Boys song or two in my playlist---LOL) but they were the ones I felt most predominated.

I guess it was because I shifted from the high energy feeling of high school (both angsty and happy) to one that more reflected a time in my life where I was gaining a lot more self control as well as getting closure with a lot of the things I dealt with in high school. Plus, all those retreats and Taize chanting across the river were bound to trip me out into spiritual hippitude sooner or later [plays Gregorian chants on music player but then secretly switches back to Beyonce].

Anyway, on to the title of this post. The summer after college graduation is officially over and I'm still discovering (or re-discovering) some great music. The particular artists and/or songs that got me through the summer (in no particular order):

Vainica Doble was probably my favorite (ok maybe there was a particular order) musical discovery this summer. Vainica Doble was a duo that hailed from Spain formed by Carmen Santoja (r.i.p. +) and Gloria Van Aerssen. I discovered them by accident when I was searching Youtube for a song called "Caramelo de Limón" by Argentinian pop punk band Dos Minutos. Instead, I came across a really trippy video of the same name and right away fell in love with these two ladies of lyrical wit and trancey melodies. Their songs can be hard to find since they have been active since the 1970s, but luckily I found a lot of their songs on imeem, more Youtube searches, and a recent album in the Amazon mp3 store.

Some of my other favorite songs by them are Mariluz, La Ballena Azul, Alas de Algodón, Yo le Imagino, and Habanera del Primer Amor. I've been looking for related artists to get into but think these ladies are pretty much unmatched in originality.

My movie watching this summer led me to some other Spanish language "discoveries" like Peruvian band los Zopilotes (see songs A Quien and Tu y Yo) and unfamiliar songs from familiar artists like Miguel Bose's El Amor Después del Amor and to segway onto the English language front, a soundtrack appearance of U2's Zoo Station on About a Boy with Hugh Grant.

Unfamiliar songs by familiar artists this summer came in its biggest form with Third Eye Blind's release of Ursa Major. As with many comeback albums I thought it was going to be lackluster, but I ended up racking up a lot of favorites such as high energy let's-enjoy-life kind of song Can You Take Me (crisp live version at Central Park concert I missed, this song makes me happy and reminds me of Blue's high energy 1000 Julys), Dao of St. Paul, One in Ten (a very Chasing Amy-esque song), and About to Break. I don't have links to all the songs so you may have to look them up or use the Amazon $3.99 special lol.

My most embarrasing discovery this summer has been the Smashing Pumpkins, embarrasing in a how-could-I-not-notice-sooner kind of way. I was familiar with the band but have probably only listened to one or two songs in passing. Now I have songs like Rocket, Soma, Stumbleine, and Hummer (regular and acoustic) on repeat. After a somewhat long instrumental bridge, there's a line in Hummer where Billy says "do, you feel...love is real?" It sounds like a trite line, but they can pull it off enough to make me smile the first time I heard it.

Finally, a special mention for 10,000 Maniacs and Natalie Merchant. 10,000 Maniacs was on a Halloween episode of Sabrina (don't judge) I watched a long time ago playing a song I really liked called Rainy Day. They have other good songs like These Are the Days and Among the Americans. I don't know how to describe their sound other than as feel good folky 90s alternative-ishness. Natalie Merchant, who I guess went solo after being in the band, has a good song called Frozen Charlotte.

Happy Labor Day!

September Air

This one's a short one.

I have been sleeping a lot better at night now that the air is cooler (we couldn't use our a/c all summer because this part of the house seems to have screwed up electrical wiring), which means fall is not too far away.

One thing I like about the fall is that I get to go back to wearing hoodies. I still haven't grown out of them, so I think it must be a mixture between the fact that they remind me of olden religious habits and the way they make you feel all snuggled up and in the mood for a good discussion over apple cider (lol maybe I'm taking this too far).

My other favorite thing about the fall is the mystical kind of atmosphere it gives certain places, one of the reasons I'll miss going back to school in the Hudson Valley and most especially leading (or just being on) those candle lit retreats in Esopus. I can just smell the piney smell and the dimly lit corridors.

Associate

So I am officially part of the Jesuit Associates program. To give you an idea of the process, this is a general overview of the "steps" within discernment (and forgive my lazy sentence fragments):

Inquiry Phases

1. Inquiry: Initial contact with the order. Conversations with members the order, getting an overall "feel" of what they're about as a group and who many of them are as individuals. Also, a truckload of literature to carry home. I was excited when the Brother vocation director gave me Fr. Jim Martin's My Life With the Saints, a book I had always wanted to read for the longest time.

2. Associates program: For guys seriously wanting to look into this way of life. It's not much different than the inquiry stage since you're still learning about them, except now you're invited to more exclusive "come and see" type events, and as interest gets more serious, may be assigned a spiritual director who "accompanies" you in trying to improve your prayer life, specifically as it relates to sorting through all the different feelings of the discernment process.

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Application Stages

3. Official application: Invitation to begin an official application may happen six months to a year (or even more) after first inquiry. This part tends to be more intense and exhaustive since it intends to qualify whether you would be a good fit for the order and also whether the order is a good fit for you. This part (done by most if not all orders) includes many personal interviews (some with members of the order, some with lay associates), psychological evaluations, physical/dental exams, criminal background checks, and request of official documents like school transcripts and sacramental (proof of baptism/confirmation) certificates. Yup, pretty intense. The portofolio that's gathered is then presented to a board of admissions that will decide whether to accept you, reject you, defer you, or accept you under certain conditions.

4. If accepted, you're invited to move into the novitiate class of the following August.

Every religious order (whether for men or women) has a different way of going about this process, but in general they tend to follow a similar sort of structure in helping candidates discern.

I have way too many feelings to sort through now because I find myself "stuck" between two religious communities, but I still think I made the right choice because I can't make a decision until I really get to know them better.

I'm worried I'll make the wrong choice (God supposedly has a "will" or "plan" for everyone, but what if I choose path A when God's will was path B?).

I have no idea what God's will is and won't presume to know (which is why I rather use the word attracted to religious life rather than literally called--which conjures up the image of someone literally calling me up on the phone), but I'm comforted by Saint Faustina's encouragement to boldly say "Jesus I trust in you."

At face value it may sound like one of those really banal sentiments on a cheesy prayer card in your grandmother's purse, but it makes me hope that no matter what steps I take, I'll eventually walk into (or most likely stumble into) whatever God had planned.

edit 9/7/09: After advice from close friends/mentors I plan to take this as slow as possible in examining all feelings and motivations behind this. The point in this discernment process is not for me to have a prestigious title like Brother or Father, but to be open to whatever God is calling me and see the good in EVERY vocation (which includes being a single or eloped lay person).

I feel like such an indecisive flake (is that redundant?). However, my 4+ years of indecision (senior year of high school and all of college) of whether or not I'm called/suitable for religious life have important reasons behind them which I promise to talk about soon.

Getting Back on My Feet and Parents Who Keep Their Kids Forever

Right now I'm kind of bummed I was too late to apply for a TA job at my high school. I'm blessed to have parents who don't mind me living with them until I can get up on my feet. Then of course, it's probably the nature of Hispanic, Asian, Italian and other ethnic families to not really expect you to move out until you're married (or dead). As much as American society (including myself) values individualism, I appreciate the "looking out for each other" values of cultures that are a little bit more collectivistic.

For example, I just went out for a walk to get a cheese bread (thank you Colombians) and bumped into an old friend of the family (he's practically an uncle to my brothers and me) who gave me $50 and ran...rofl. It helps when you only have $2 in your pocket.

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing all I can to get back up on my feet (I only graduated college last May and have been mailing out resumes and making calls like crazy), but this system we live in works in a way that I have to owe a huge amount of money in order to make money. If I go for a Masters full time, I can start working sooner, but how can I pay for the Masters and my living expenses if I probably won't be able to work at all (or at least not for the amount I'd need to survive) while going to school? More gratuitous amounts of loan money? It's a wakeup call to the fact people don't really "move out" from home when they go to college, but really just go away to a temporary summer camp like setting.

I took college seriously and did moderately well academically, but my failure was in not accurately planning an "exit strategy." In my defense, a Psychology degree won't get you far unless you're at the Masters level (at minimum), but it was all the more reason to plan sooner.

I'm not freaking out too much, because I'm getting closer to the belief that things slowly fall into place (not totally there yet, but if I can run into an old uncle and $50 on the street, then who's to say what else could be in store?).

New Places Old Faces

I went to my first Catholic "interest group" liturgy and social today (as in the group that's not Courage). The Mass was a little "creative" (I might get used to a gender neutral God but have a hard time with gender neutral Jesus) but the social made it worth it as the people there were very friendly.

Among the interesting characters I met were a former nun, a former Augustinian whose advice upon hearing about my interest in religious life was "run!" (he said I was "cute" and should ditch the nunnery for a boyfriend), a theologian and his webmaster partner, and finally, an old face (translation: teacher) I wish I had said hello to instead of frantically pulling a ninja move to the back pew.

I like to think of life has a process that comes full circle instead of one that has a simple forward path. By coming full circle I don't necessarily mean that you return to old ways or patterns, but that many things from your past tie into your future in a meaningful way (as in things come into fuller, happier, understanding, not just the notion that past and future are simply cause and effect). So instead of your life being a line with an endpoint from A to B, it's a series of events that forms a whole circle.

Ah! I'm not explaining myself correctly.

You know how when you watch a tv show for a long time and they make a reference to an old episode or bring in an old character it makes you feel really excited? That's how I feel when old "characters" or references to things (concepts, experiences) that were important reappear in my life. It's how I think I'll always feel about my Marist upbringing (I went to a Marist high school as well as the Marist College) and it's cool to see how a lot of it comes back, through people or words.

I Shall Greet You

IHM nun Sister Julie posted a great post in her blog about celibacy (Celibacy in the City, get it? Haha), but even more captivating for me was Redemptorist nun Sister Hildegard's comment about a workshop the sisters attended to about celibate chastity and my friend Jean's response (I hope they doesn't mind I posted it, as I included a link to the original material on the bottom).

Chastity and celibacy are used interchangeably but in Church speak, everyone is called to chastity, i.e. appropriately full expression of sexuality (a term having a fuller definition than just the physical aspect of it) according to one's 'state' in life: single, married, consecrated (sisters/nuns and brothers/monks), and clergy. In other words, it's possible to have celibacy (abstention from sex) without chastity, and possible to have chastity without celibacy (such as in the case of a married couple).

In the following comment Sister Hildegard talks about the supernatural property of the vow (deeper/closer relationship with Jesus), its practicality (radical availability to others and different ministires that married life would not allow or would at least limit), and its realities (i.e. the vow of celibacy not negating the fact that people are biologically wired for sex and romantic love, feelings that may surface even after vows though don't necessarily negate one's vocation).

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“While every vocational choice of the baptized person requires obedience to faithfulness and the poverty of simplicity, the call to celibacy is unique to religious vocation. Chastity appears first in the list of vows in our Rule. One of the most prominent scholars of religious life today, Sr. Sandra Schneiders, IHM, sees this vow as primary to religious life, a symbol of the call to exclusive relationship to Jesus Christ. She defines consecrated celibacy as “the freely chosen response to a charismatically grounded, religiously motivated, sexually abstinent, lifelong commitment to Christ, externally symbolized by remaining unmarried.” So it is freely chosen. It is a gift of the Holy Spirit.

It is a promise freely made because I choose to make the relationship with Jesus primary in my life.

But the kicker is that, even with the call, even with the freely chosen response and with years of living the celibate life, we remain sexual beings. The vow does not turn that off. Not only do our bodies continue to act and respond in ways appropriate to our sexuality and gender, our minds and our psyches may have to revisit, from time to time, the hard reality of saying “No,” to sexual intimacy and procreation.

In our inter-novitiate class on the vows, Sr. Kitty Hanley, CSJ told us, “It is not a question of what you will do if you fall in love but rather what you will do WHEN you fall in love.” You might say, “Oh well, that doesn’t apply to us cloistered nuns. We don’t have the access to people that active religious do.” Well, I don’t believe that. We see priests, spiritual directors, doctors and physical therapists among others. We also live with other women on whom we can develop a teenage crush kind of thing. I have not had the experience of living with much younger new members but I imagine that adding them into the community mix can make for some interesting feelings in either direction – an older sister drawn to a younger one or a younger one idolizing her role model.

And then there is the physical reminder that can come now and then or more often; a physical sensation that serves to announce that I am still a female, a normal woman, embodied in the flesh and hard-wired for physical intimacy, mother nature’s way to preserve the species and give joy to the heart. Having the sensation does not sully my promise. Having the sensation is not a sin. It is as value neutral as any emotion. The real issue is “What do I do with this?” Is it an opportunity to put myself down or to feel guilty? Or is it an opportunity for awe and wonder at how beautifully we are made? And is it another chance to reverence my promise, the exclusivity of my relationship with Jesus Christ?"

(For complete presentation go to: MonasticMusingsOSsR.blogspot.com/search/label/chastity)

In closing, I wanted to post yet another comment, this time by my friend Jean, (immediately in response to Sister):

------------------------------------------------------------

Sr Hildegard – Thanks for the lnk to the presentaton and your relay of the CSJ sister’s clarification that the question is not “if” but “when” celibate men and women will fall in love with another human being.

My spiritual director has said, to lay men and women as well as fellow clergy and religious men and women, “When you meet a man (or woman) with whom you could fall in love, greet that person…..and then go to home to the p(P)erson you have already chosen”. I love both the cHarity and cLarity of that statement.

Our hearts *will* love and our bodies will *want* to love, and we retain wholly undiminished free will to honor our commitments. And I believe that learning to celebrate love —-whenever it comes to us and without allowing later loves to lead to the violataton of existing vows ——— deepens and strengthens all loves, all vows in our lives. Love, I believe, is ALWAYS a gift; it is through the exercise of our free will that we either spoil that gift or give thanks. Jean

View From Queensborough Bridge

My friend Michelle and I have this tradition of walking from Queens to Manhattan. So we did it again! First time in four years (or five?)!

The first time we got to Manhattan, went to McDonalds, and took the train back...rofl. So much for a workout. This time we were able to walk to and back. We also had some great hummus in Sunnyside on the way back.

August 20th, 2009.

CD vs. MP3 -- Ursa Major Release

Throughout college I found a lot of deals on used CDs for bands whose music was hard to find online (or just wasn't sold in mp3 format) and liked doing that because I wouldn't have to pay a lot of money for a brand new CD when most of the new ones I got were barely used (and in some cases even brand new because of overstock). Also, if my computer crashed or I reinstalled the OS, I wouldn't have to worry about backing up the music.

I'm not a music snob by any means (I'm embarrassed to show anyone my playlist) but I don't think the CD format is (or should be) totally dead.

As much as technology makes music more accessible (and easier to discover stuff we wouldn't have otherwise given a chance to listen to), having instant gratification (click, download, listen) somehow doesn't feel as fully gratifying as having an actual CD in your hand (or even better, waiting for it to ship and checking your mailbox everyday) and epically putting it into your CD tray. I think it's that Enneagram 4 speaking again.

Though the cost effectiveness of technology doesn't hurt either. Today I opened up my drawer full of coins (still don't have a job—at least not a fulltime one), put it in a coin pouch, redeemed for an Amazon gift card, and bought Third Eye Blind's new album, Ursa Major, for just about four bucks.

Stephan Jenkins gave an interview saying that the band is misconceived as a pop group that makes catchy tunes (Semi-Charmed, Jumper, etc.) but that they've always been indie. Personally I don't know why people obsess over labels. I don't care if you want to call yourself true pop or true rock or true asian techno, I just listen to the music because I like it, and having a few mainstream catchy hits isn't a mortal sin a band should feel guilty about.

I love Third Eye Blind, but I can't pinpoint why, other than their good combo of feel good late 90s pop rock songs (Never Let You Go and 1000 Julys being some of my favorites), slow chill out songs (Slow Motion, Camouflage, Knife in the Water, Darkness), and probably a touch of Stephan Jenkins' charisma (he seems obnoxiously full of himself but also projects the vulnerability to get away with it). However, it's not a band I would credit with lyrically affecting me as deeply as someone as Sufjan Stevens for example (completely different style, I know, but it's still applicable to me especially in the spiritual sphere).

Still, 3eb is fun and I feel it has something to say (or maybe not something to say as much as there is "experiencing with") to aimless 20 somethings and facing the notion that our adolescent angsts of feeling isolated, finding God/purpose, and straight guys falling in love with their lesbian friend never really ended, but that we just grew through them.

That was supposed to make sense somehow. Here's the big bear.

Temporal vs. Eternal Scoreboard: Temporal 1, Eternity ∞

As Christians/Catholics we're often told we always should focus on the eternal/transcendent over things that are temporal, but sometimes I feel there is a pesky little thing about the temporal, that by virtue of being temporal, sometimes feels eternal.

Friendships sometimes drift away, relationships end, skydivers eventually have to parachute back to earth (well this would be a good thing),and even that slice of cheesecake eventually disappears from the plate into your digestive system. Yet we don't regret these temporary experiences because nothing else seems to matter while we're having them, because within themselves they can feel quite eternal in intensity.

Still, St. Ignatius teaches everyone (and most especially his Companions, you know, those people) that we must learn a sense of indifference, that is, knowing what in life is transcendent (like our relationship with God and God's will for us) and what is temporary, so that we don't over-attach ourselves to the temporary which can be fleeting and disappoint the high expectations we may put on it for fulfillment (money, cheesecake, cars, etc. etc.).

This has been a kind of challenge for me sometimes because sometimes I live with the mentality that life is "building up" toward a high point. In other words, I often live with the sense that daily living is just some sort of rehearsal or preparation for epic life events (a graduation, a battle, a wedding, an ordination, a flight, a happenchance meeting, an outing). It might be because I want to, as trite as it sounds, spend more time "living" rather than just "existing".

And what better way to really live than by going by the [cheesy but agreeable] quote "it's not the number of breaths you take but the number of moments that take your breath away" (I just had a morbid thought about what a terrible slogan this would be for a hospice organization)? What's the point of living by longevity than by quality? Why shouldn't we enjoy many of the things here on earth?

[Well, the short answer is that we should. Our long answer is given by Saint Augustine, who also seems to give a resounding yes, provided these things are loved according to the appropriate type of love, love of use for created things, but only love of enjoyment for its sake for God. I have to look up how love of use/amor uti factors into not simply meaning to 'just use' something, especially when it comes to temporal goods that involve people.]

I can find joy in the mundane too (like the cheerful Dunkin Donuts cashier that smiled at me the other day), but when I feel I'm stuck in it, it's hard to picture what striving for eventual eternal joy really means other than safely living your life without taking risks, in hope that a safe existence detached from temporal enjoyment will be compensated in heaven by a kingdom and riches "eyes have not seen and ears have not heard."

It may not necessarily mean everyone's way to heaven is ascetic detachment (though the Buddhists are certainly on to something when they suggest something of the like and for some Christians, this can be the way), but it makes me wonder how I can sort of have an "incarnational" sort of spirituality: one that properly enjoys the goods of earth but still hopes for the "unseen" goods of what's to come.

Why am I Catholic?

Why am I Catholic? Historically, because of Spaniard colonization of Hispaniola, mentally, because it lights through the darkest of despairs, emotionally, for it whisks away to the secret forests of mystics, and personally, because I was undeservedly and recklessly loved into recklessly loving.

Candle

I haven't been able to get in much sleep at night because whenever the air conditioner is turned on for anything longer than 15 or 20 minutes, it shorts out the power in the room or the house (so now it's connected to a power strip.surge protector, which turns off in the equal amount of time).

I can't get to sleep until the early morning when the air seems its coolest. Sometimes I'm so restless I don't even bother going to bed in the morning, get dressed, and head to morning Mass at Joan of Arc. It's so comforting to sit in one of the corner pews near the back because the way the pew is behind one of the columns reminds me of the side choir chair/niches/cranny-things (whatever they're called) monasteries have.

I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the homily because all I could think about was a particular moment before Mass. Throughout a Catholic Mass the candles on the altar are lighted, a detail that I really don't notice anymore since I'm used to it. But this morning I really felt drawn in, almost hyper-focused on one of the candles.

I think it was because the candle reminded me about all the times I've shared with other people gathered around one, from high school retreats to college men's group gatherings, to sharing a lot of private stuff about my spiritual and personal life in one to ones and heart to hearts. Maybe it's also because a candle has a way of illuminating things in silence.

It was a moment of peace.

P.S. I found the weirdest thing in a hymnal. It was like a packet with some brown fluid and a picture of a mouse cartoon in the front. I closed it and put it back.

Famous and Toxic

"I have never wished for human glory, contempt it was that had attraction for my heart; but having recognized that this again was too glorious for me, I ardently desire to be forgotten."- Saint Thérèse of Lisieux

Like many people, I've daydreamed about being famous, but only as a side effect of doing something awesome, not for its own sake.

My freshman year of college I charged up my iPod (back when I still had one--it was one of those metalically colored minis, remember those?) and headed out to take a walk. This girl I knew then asked me if I pictured I was in a movie while listening to music. Finally, I thought I was the only crazy one who pictured myself within some tacky melodramatic and/or action packed movie scenes while listening to music! I don't remember my answer to her but it had the resemblance of yes.

The daydreams can be about me starring in an action packed supernatural TV series, where I call upon saints and use sacramentals and crosses to battle off demons and zombies in hand to hand combat. Alternatively, they'll go to the realm of over the top movie scenes where I'm in anearly fatal car accident and my true love bursts in a declaration of love unto which all the important "characters" in my life (including the nurses) surround us in a circle, moved by the beautiful scene (cue The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony). And don't even get me started with the several recreations of my high school and college graduations where I pop out of the platform and rock out.

However, daydreams are daydreams and when I actually write them down like I did now, I laugh at the ridiculousness and outlandishness of such purple prose as my French teacher calls it. We should all think a little outlandishly from time to time. Suspending disbelief sometimes helps us see belief more clearly after all.

Anyway, here's the reason that compelled me to write today. I have this friend who similarly has crazy daydreams about starring in his own TV series. Except his series is based on his real life. He says he plans to write a pilot for HBO and later on write a memoir by the time he finishes his Phd. (he's actually working on a Phd.) or turns 30 because he wants to be famous as an actor, writer, and artist.

First of all, I have a problem with wanting to be famous for the sake of being famous (when I told him he should pick a focus instead of wanting to do writing painting and acting all at once, he smugly tells me that's the way he is, a multi-project man).

Secondly, I'm it made me mad he called me "toxic" person for "not believing in him". If he has a dream he wants to follow he knows I'll support him, but writing a pilot for HBO (which he probably won't get around to writing) is probably a little far fetched. Is it wrong I'm trying to be the realistic person here? If all his other friends are all on board then great for him, but if he wanted uncritical insincere praises then he picked the wrong friend. I'm not mean or nasty or anything like that, but I don't want to be fake either.

In the spirit charity, I will say we never know what God has in store for us. No one ever got "big" by "settling" for whatever life brought them, right? I can give him the benefit of the doubt using that line of thinking.

I would probably hate really being famous (*blatantly lies*) because I feel having every facet of my life scrutinized and under a microscope (right down to whether my socks matched my sneakers--well they kinda did today Lol) and because it would be a hotbed of neurosis waiting to happen. Also, how many people would really get to know the real you? How many of those people won't sell the real you to a publication?

Still, I think wanting to be love and admired (or at least acknowledged) by others is a natural desire many of us have and even if we never make it "big". There might be hope in Saint Augustine's consolation that God loves us each as if we were the only ones in front of His eyes, making each individual, by design, pretty much a big deal. *awkward pause*

P.S. Is that Lil Romeo on Cribs? Rofl....he can barely fit in the car seat.

Send Me All Your Vampires

I think I finally figured out why vampires have been so popular, not only as of late, but throughout earlier lore. To be honest, I'm not well versed in vampire literature (I promised my friend to some day get around to the Stoker original and Anne Rice classics), but I think what makes them so attractive to many of us is that they combine two of the deepest human drives: spirituality (referenced through crosses, holy water, consecrated ground) and sexuality (forbidden love, "the chase", and adrenaline rush of the "hunt").

I feel the Third Eye Blind songs I Want You and 1000 Julys are examples of this. In 1000 Julys, a more highly charged sexual song, he screams "'cause I'm a vampire y'all, we toast the blood of our enemies, you're still scaring me no...". Since the song is more about sex than affective love (though some of that's in there), the vampire imagery is more aggressive and asserting (as if to say here I am, in all my masculinity to come and conquer!).

Among I Want You's lyrics of graveyards, dancing, and prayer candle burning through the night (note: Stephan Jenkins says he's atheist), he repeatedly challenges the woman he's singing to: "I want you, send me all your vampires!" The vampire imagery here is more affective since he appears willing to take on the vampires to be with her. Despite the people in the grave that he says "Jesus couldn't save", he still talks about having a soul that's deeper than bones, the candle, and having her giving him hope through the night (much like we might argue love gives us hope through life, which might be considered a "night").

Third Eye Blinds Jenkins also produced Vanessa Carlton's Harmonium while he was dating her (I think it was right around the time they broke up) and one of the tracks, titled Half a Week Before the Winter, has a reference of unicorns running high ("powerful with coats of white, I turn to look but burn my eyes) and vampires growing tired ("the coats of white all turn to red, my heart burns with desire"). It'd be interesting if the song was about how SJ made her feel, but supposedly it was actually about Charles Darwin's theory of evolution and her wanting to make a statement about the music industry (the vampires) sucking the good out of what's pure and true.

Well I don't expect to be taken seriously now that you know the type of stuff on my playlist, but it's fun to think about. I myself like vampires because of their strong folk-religious heritage and the metaphors of wood and water, as the wood of the stake conquers evil as much as the wood of the cross declares itself conqueror of misery and sin (I forget who made the wood metaphor—I must credit you!). The holy water burns the vampires is the same water that washes us clean and sends us out into the world.

The castles vampires live in reminds me of Saint Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle (!) as our journey through a castle of many vermin and serpents (at least those in the outer rooms) toward the God found in the innermost room mirrors the frightened guest navigating through a mysterious and treacherous castle looking for a way out. However in Teresa's castle, the only way out is in. Alternatively, the vampire castle could represent a person navigating through the Jungian shadow side, in which case the only way out would also be through (i.e. facing the unconscious).

I can probably also use a vampire metaphor to describe my four year limerant experience (wow another topic for another day, i.e. what's limerence?!) in the sense that said "vampire" was as much as an adrenaline rush as a blood-life sucker. Since it was an unrequited love experience (there's the whole forbidden thing), there was the dual attraction of both being high but also knowing the cost of that high.

Case in point, I feel that blend of religion and sexuality is what makes them attractive for so many people.

Vampires...how about them?

Photo Credit: Opening Credits of a Certain Vampire TV series...

Enneagram Four

Your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

Haha, I got the same result when Brother John had us take this in high school!

Overheard in My Neighborhood

"What am I going to tell my mom about it?!"
"Nothing, just hide it."
-Around 82nd street

"Daddy is that a man?!"
-Random drag queen with clown rainbow hair and dress walks out of restaurant singing something about a man

"Well yeah I called him but his wife answered so I hung up."
-Woman on the phone on my way to pizzeria

Aftermath

In the last entry (and at least one or two others) I talked about the idea of discernment; a process which a Jesuit/Ignatian spirituality explains as trying to find how God is present or speaking within any situation (usually but not always a situation that involves a decision). Since we can't literally hear God speak (well some people can but I think that's another topic entirely lol), we notice his presence by detecting, sensing, and feeling the movements within us and how a situation/decision makes us feel.

In a lay or everyday vocabulary we may call that intuition. The idea of applying to one college (because of an "x" factor we can't explain yet attracts us) even though we can make a list about the advantages of choice b is an example of this. It doesn't mean our decisions should be irrational and only emotion based, but discernment calls us to notice these attractions and "x factors" we can't quite put a finger on because it may be God.

In my case, I was questioning why God brought someone from my past back into my life. Actually I wouldn't say God brought the person back, but rather allowed me to bump into the ultimate emotional reminder: the person themself.

On the one hand I deserved it (becareful what you wish for...I wanted to see this person "at least one more time"), on the other hand I think I may be finding some messages here in this reminder that may be from God.

First, it was a totally unexpected encounter. I was going out to the movies with my cousin, and bam there they are. This may be God reminding me that love comes unexpectedly, not so much in the form of this particular person, but someone else.

Second, God may be calling me to focus on the people who love me instead of trying to measure up to the ones that don't. It is a reminder that healthy love happens when two people WANT to be with each other, not when one or both parties feels they HAVE TO be with each other.

It would seem like a cruel way to remind me, so I would probably better venture into saying not that God "created" the encounter, but that He allowed it in order to grant me my wish, regardless of how painful it would be and how He personally might have tried to dissuade me from wishing this (but valued my free will). Even then, He would comfort me in my pain and still help me try to get over this as He has so many times before.

It may be just crazy talk here, but I finally may be starting to listen.

Saltwater

A quote from a friend:

"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, or the sea." -Isak Dinesen

Fantastic Reality

Living in reality seems like such a contradictory thing to say for a religious person, mainly because much of our lives as spiritual people revolves not always on what is front of us, but on what is hoped for or and believed on faith.

However without living in reality we become trapped in the alternative: fantasy. By fantasy I don't mean religion or whatever you have faith for without certainty, but taking what's in front of us and changing it. For example, making oneself famous, good looking, talented, and even changing other people can become a world where we end up trapped.

There's nothing bad about fun daydreaming and I would say there's even merit in thinking about the way we would like things to be because they reveal our desires and give us the drive to pursue them. Listening to music alone makes it inevitable for our minds to travel to all these fantastic places and make it all the more enjoyable, so it's not necessary to go get psychoanalysed just because one likes daydreaming a lot!

However, when one constantly live in fantasy in a way that seems taking over the rest of our lives, one has to ask oneself whether there is a form of escape involved in this and what exactly is the object or situation of escape?

I hate how trite and dramatic this may sound, but if I had to look at the causes behind my retreat into fantasy, I would have to say the object of escape is love. I've had the "damn itch" through high school and college but never met anyone.

While most people my age have been through many relationships (and the learning that comes with them), and many cousins slightly older than me (mid 20s) have even started settling down, I'm terrified of all the "lost time" I would have to make up for and would rather be by myself than have to make up for the lost time or just settle for someone I cared about but wasn't really in love with.

The vocation issue complicates the matter because it comes and goes too rapidly for me to get a hold on it and examine it.

There is a Jesuit/Ignatian concept of discernment that calls us to stop all "the noise" and sit still so that we can (in an intuitive way) try to "sense" how God is moving or "speaking" within given situations in our lives. As much as I have tried recently, it has been hard to reach that stillness and I find myself very much lost as to what direction (direction that goes beyond career/educational goals) to take in my life. For example, how is God speaking to me in a situation where something or someone from the past shows up again in my life?

Right now I'll try to focus on doing what has been long overdue: finding a spiritual director to help me sort the fantasy from the dreams to the desire to the reality of where God is working in my life.

Apartment Search, The II

We're —we being my father and I— hoping to move out this house by August; he says the house is already sold, but I'm not sure what exactly he means because of the ambiguous way he says it and the fact that most of the tenants are still here (so maybe that hope to move out is more of a have to move out).

There was a studio I wanted to get (with the intention of eventually paying my parents back for it) but my mom doesn't think it's a good idea since if I ever wanted to move in to a place with better privacy (i.e. have a bedroom and separated kitchen) it would be hard to get rid of the studio.

It's not helping that New York City isn't exactly known for low rent, but I really rather find a place in Queens than in any other borough: Manhattan is too expensive, Staten Island too far, Brooklyn too dangerous, and the Bronx is too far and too dangerous (no offense auntie rofl). Actually, to be fair, that's not entirely accurate but it goes without saying that it's hard to find an affordable place in a decent location. I'm hoping I can get full time hours with what sounds like a very much free lancey job I got at the tutoring company.

More importantly, I want to be able to go back to school as soon as next Spring but no later than next Fall and try to figure out the differences between the intricacies of the programs I'm interested in (MSW/LCSW, LMHC, and MSEd.) so that I get into the right field with the better amount of flexibility (as I see myself working in either a school or a private mental health practice).

I better get moving because time is running out.

Hidden Face

"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, or his ear too dull to hear, but your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that He will not hear." - Isaiah 59:1-2

One of my favorite saints, Thérèse of Lisieux, had a devotion to the Holy Face. In fact, she took the religious name Soeur Thérèse de l'enfant-Jésus de la sainte-face (Sister Thérèse of the child Jesus [and] the Holy Face) to honor both her devotion to the child-like Jesus as well as His Holy Face on the cross.

To us it may seem like overly superfluous or dramatic piety because we're so far apart from the religious environment of 19th Century France (and in her particular case, within one of the more austere orders of the Church), but I'm more overcome by curiosity as to why she would choose a devotion to Jesus' face.

If it were possible to look upon Jesus' face, I feel I couldn't be capable of doing so any more than I would be able to look in the face of a friend I have lied to or stolen from. It's almost easier to want to be obscured by the fog than gaze upon the face (even if the face is warm and welcoming to all, which despite occasional difficulty or doubt I believe it is), mainly because of the tendency to feel so bad and embarrassed and even wonder if you're a hopeless case.

This isn't meant as a guilt trip to anyone else, but it makes me understand the often criticized teaching of purgatory. Maybe purgatory isn't so much about proving God you're worthy of crossing over into heaven, but more so proving it to yourself. It would be hard to receive a gift you think you didn't deserve (no matter how great the gift), so even if God were dragging you into heaven, the shame would be too great to enter (there's a saying that we send ourselves to hell, not God). It is much more different when we're more disposed to receive the gift, when through suffering (most unfortunate but also most necessary for the eventual good end as Julian of Norwich might say) our heart has been melted into compassion and perspective and thus better able to receive love.

Then the fear of trying to reach out to God isn't because God is unwilling to help, but mainly because we're unwilling to believe we're worthy of help and let our face be further obscured from God. I'm not sure if I agree with the Isaiah passage about God not being able to hear because of sin (it sounds like the passage is warning the Israelites to be good or the cell phone signal to God will be cut!), but I do believe that because of sin (or just simple spiritual laziness) we hide ourselves from God and it seems like He becomes harder to find (as if He weren't elusive enough!).

Like a bright summer's day, one feels naked opening the curtain of great bright light shining on you (sometimes even want to curl back under the covers [by the way, random fact: I still sleep with blankets even in the summer]), but once you get yourself outside you wish the day never ends.

Hidden Face (Source)

Nun Surveillance

The Vatican has taken this year to conduct an Apostolic Visitation of Women's Religious Communities. One part of the visitation will visit sisters in active communities (i.e. sisters in non-cloistered communities), and another investigation aims to investigate the LCWR, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious. On the one hand, I can see the benefit in this because it might help the sisters' orders find ways to better attract young women to religious life in the face of such low numbers, and/or re-consider what their mission means according to each order's founder/foundress and charism (charism is usually translated to mean the spirit or nature of the type of work an order does and their spirituality).

On the other hand some people feel the Vatican is using it as a way to gauge which orders/communities are being disobedient to the way they represent the teachings of the Church and/or whether these teachings are emphasized enough or just presented vaguely (some examples often cited are the issues of homosexuality and women's ordination). This view arises from the notion that apostolic visitations aren't just routine "check ups", but visits done under special circumstances (such as the recent one conducted at seminaries in the wake of the abuse crisis).

The New York Times recently had an article on this issue and NPR's "On Point" show invites several people with different viewpoints to discuss it. Among them are Laura Goodstein (national religion correspondent for the New York Times), Sister Sandra Schneider (professor at Berkley and member of the IHM sisters), Sister Mary Traupman (practicing attorney and member of the Sisters of Divine Providence), and Mother Mary Quentin Sheridan (Superior General the Religious Sisters of Mercy).

Listen to the show

(Thanks to America for the link. Another note: One of the Sisters interviewed above, Sister Sandra, belongs to the community A Nun's Life blogger Sister Julie belongs to, where she has some coverage of her own.)

The Changing Face of Nunhood: After the Second Vatican Council, religious orders and congregations (including those of women religious) were asked to reflect on preserving the mission of their founders and foundresses while connecting with the modern world. For many sisters, this took the form of modifying the habit or getting rid of it altogether to better be able to work among those they minister and modifying the concept of living in community. At the same time, the dwindling numbers of women religious (as well as priests and men religious such as brothers) has many asking a lot of the questions met at Vatican II concerning the Church's connection to its own truth and to the world outside, and how older traditions and new understandings have value in helping to strengthen this connection.

Photo Credit: Benprks via Flickr

Beach

Yesterday I went to the beach with my uncle, his wife, two cousins, and one cousin's boyfriend. It was a great time except I probably should have worn more sunscreen because I feel like a fried lobster...lmao. Wait, can you fry lobster?

This particular beach reminded me of the horrible time one cousin almost drowned when he was 9 (I must have been 7 or 8). He didn't cry when he was rescued, but had a break down as soon as he turned on the faucet in the shower back home. It's incredible how so many things that happen to us don't "hit" us until much later.

It also reminded me of the funnier time my aunt lost her sunglasses and frantically ran around searching for them. This aunt moved away to the Dominican Republic but she likes coming to the states to visit a lot.

With good sunscreen, the beach is nice for naps and a book (I was reading Jesuit Father Jim Martin's funny and down to earth honest My Life with the Saints). It felt very nice to lie down for a while (nice toasty UV rays on my back <3...lmao).

Two FMLs of the day:

"I don't feel bad being shirtless now since Ray is much fatter than me." - Said by my cousin's boyfriend

"Ray I'm going to call up religious orders and tell them to avoid you since you skip Mass for the beach." - Dad

Happy 4th of July!

Just quietly, I hope everyone had a happy and safe fourth of July (I went bowling). For all my talk of having Dominican parents and Spanish ancestry and cultural heritage (see last post), I mustn't forget that whenever I pass international customs the only country where I'm recognized as a full citizen (and share the rights and responsibilities thereof) is this one!

Image Source: 13 Colonies Webquest

Hispanic vs. Latino: Spain Conqueror or Spain Mother?

"In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue..."

The debate between the use of the terms Hispanic vs. Latino has always interested me. Is Hispanic really a race or just a term to describe a complex culture and people? If so, which people does this term include? Are Haiti and Brazil Latin or Hispanic despite being, respectively, former French and Portuguese (rather than Spanish) possessions? Can Spain be considered Hispanic?

Etymogically, the term Hispanic comes from the name of the Roman Empire's province of Hispania which included the areas roughly around modern Portugal and Spain (called the "Iberian Peninsula"). The term Latino comes from the fact that the countries in what's considered modern Latin America were colonized by people of strongly Latin-derived languages such as French, Portuguese and Spanish.

Personally, I prefer the term Hispanic for myself since I feel (that for me) it encompasses the entire Spanish speaking world and culture (our foods, language, and Roman Catholicism) better than the term Latino (which may include the former French and Portuguese possessions in Latin America which I feel less related to —or maybe I should say less exposed to— culturally). I know I have ancestors from Spain on my dad's side and one from France on my mom's side, but I still feel much more strongly identified with the Hispanophone counterpart because of my parents' country and my growing up in Hispanophone communities.

However, with this comes the biggie issue. Some Spaniards take offense to being grouped under the term Hispanic. Part of this can be perceived as racial, since South Americans (and people from other Spanish speaking countries) who move to Spain rather than the United States to work (after all, they figure it might be easier to fit in because the same language and religion are shared) are sometimes discriminated and called derogative terms like "Sudaca" or "Indio", especially if they are of more visibly aboriginal descent such as in the case of a number of Ecuadorians. Likewise, a number of Latin Americans don't like Spaniards because despite inheriting the Castilian language and a great part of its culture, they're seen as the conquerors and the "other".

The Spanish sentiment of comes from the fact that many if not most Hispanics aren't of purely Spanish descent (most of us are mixed, though sadly even in Latin American countries this prejudice between "indios", "negros", and "blancos" still exists), and the Latin American sentiment comes from the fact that the Spanish colonizers and peninsulares weren't exactly Mother Teresa coming on a mission for solidarity. Depending on what country we're from, we're usually a mix of the original aboriginal inhabitants of the land, Spanish (and other European) settlers, and the enslaved Africans brought in to replace the dying aboriginals. It depends on the country of course. Mexicans tend to be mixed Amerindian and Spanish ancestry while Dominicans may have different degrees of Taino, Spanish, and African roots (though I'm not sure to what degree of Taino since they were so quickly wiped out by European diseases and labor).

I don't know. It's fun to learn about your roots, ancestry, and culture; but it becomes useless and way out of hand when we become overly political and racial. For example, some people in Latin America like to emphasize their Spanish roots and ignore their other ones (there was an article about a possible example of this being the notion that nearly all Dominican women straighten their hair) and the Spaniards themselves emphasize their Germanic roots as part of Western Europe. It's like everyone has to find an outer point of validation.

Still, just as I may joyfully listen to Spaniard artists like Amistades Peligrosas and Vainica Doble, and Spaniards may joyfully listen to Colombians like Juanes and Shakira (maybe back when she had meaningful things to say, not during her Hips Don't Lie days, sorry I love her but it's true LOL), Dominican singer Juan Luis Guerra, the Mexican band Maná, (and why not even the Argentinian punk group Dos Minutos) and relate, I hope the entire Spanish speaking world can likewise be united under our beautiful Castilian language and heritage rather than divided by false concepts of purity and superiority. Technically, I don't know if I should even be proud of that because if any one of us go far back enough, most of us in the world global mutts with a bit of everything (African, Amerindian, European, Meditarranenan), but at the very least I hope there is greater unity among a community (from Mexican novelas to Dominican bachata to Spanish paellas), no, a family, which I greatly love:


Photo Sources
Spain/Latin America: Spanish4Students.com
Hispanophone Flags: Languageadventureprograms.com

The Snipped Flower

"You Can't Take It With You When You Die!"

That was one of my mother's old sayings and probably a tongue in cheek description of what I felt was a separate post, but really a continuation of the unrequited love post.

I think sometimes we plant seeds of love and hope they grow and bloom. This is a more "structured" way of seeking: joining clubs, going to parties, or having an online dating profile. For someone who isn't looking for romantic love this can take the form of planting spiritual seeds of love in want of a deeper relationship with God (slowly seeking through disciplined prayer and genuinely meant good works).

Other times, love comes unexpectedly, akin to stumbling upon a beautiful flower in a field (much like religious experiences can also come suddenly and without prior intellectual or disciplinary preparation).

In the first case, we must be prepared to accept the possibility our garden may not grow and bloom, because our lives can be as uncontrollable and unpredictable as nature.

In the latter case, perhaps the more intoxicating form of love, we can be tempted to snip a flower off its bush and have it for ourselves, only to realize its fragrance and beauty can only last so long before the poor flower wilts.

We can then only be appreciative and thankful for the flower no matter how much we want to take it with us. The flower doesn't belong to us but the flower is with us and we are with it and when we appreciate that perhaps we might walk back home and finally, in the back of the little garden, find a little sprout in the dirt.

Photo Credit: Mr. Mac 2009, on Flickr.